its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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