Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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