Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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