I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
