THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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