when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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