You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
