Define "chronic" masturbator.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
