he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
pray to the hookup gods
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
