i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
