don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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