mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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