Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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