Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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