Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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