Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
