Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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