they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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