Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
