Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
