A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
