I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
