yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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