oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
