I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
