I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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