I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Drake has all the answers
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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