Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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