Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
