I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
