life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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