I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
