when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
