Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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