Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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