you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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