I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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