Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
