i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
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