Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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