I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
