I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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