i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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