The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
