oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
