When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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