Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
