i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
