Ambien. No doubt about it.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
