she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
