I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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