i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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